Three months in

It’s been 3 months, can you believe that?

And I'm writing less. What I do is no less terrifying, maybe, nor less momentous, but it’s now routine again.

I still miss having an attending, but I don’t feel like I’m going to work completely naked anymore. Maybe like I’ve forgotten socks, or a jacket. Or my shoes don’t match one another. Maybe like there's marinara sauce on my forehead.

So that’s it then. For the rest of my life. Now it’s just the daily grind.

But wait, that can’t be right. This sounds too much like complacency. See, when I’m terrified, I at least look up everything I can. I rack my brain for the differential diagnosis and document things really well. When I’m comfortable, I think of the most likely thing and treat that, then go home and check Facebook. Not cool.

That’s not the kind of doctor I want to be. I want to be able to live with uncertainty, but strive for excellence. Advocate for my patients. Seek out the latest standard of care, question it, and meet it when it’s worthy. Solve difficult problems. Learn every single day. Be humble, but don’t back down when I know I’m right, and when it makes a difference in patient care.

I’m saying these things out loud because I’m not there yet. This kind of doctor is something between the two extremes in which I often find myself. Not just the average of the two, but something so much more. It might not be perfect every day but I won’t be happy with a goal of anything less. The extremes are unsustainable.

And that’s not all. I’m still dreaming.

Yesterday I got to assist on a c-section for the first time in 6 months. Actually, the last time in that surgery I was the one cutting. So it’s been at least 9 months since an assist. And… I still absolutely love that surgery. I wanted to be the one operating.

As soon as I feel like I’m truly comfortable in clinic, not just complacent, but competent, I’m going to kick myself in the pants and learn c-sections. I’ll do a fellowship. Then I’ll start a women’s health clinic in Africa or India and be their back-up. I’ll train midwives and nurses and help out local doctors.

Then when that gets routine I’ll move back to the states and become a politician or design an innovative new health care delivery system.

And then I’ll go on expeditions to Mt. Everest and jungly places as their doctor.

Then I’ll start a farm in order to prescribe my patients beets.

I love family medicine.